It’s great when your child is no longer a baby. No more sleepless nights. No more endless crying fits. No more public meltdowns.
Just when you think the worst is over, every toddler turns out to be a tiny Donald Trump. Here are 20 reasons toddlers are the worst people.
1. They don’t nap any more
Remember that little oasis of calm, the only bit of your day when a small thing wasn’t demanding your attention? It’s gone. Forever.
2. They break all your stuff
Phones. Kitchen things. Phones. Furniture. Phones. Bits of your car. Phones. PS4 discs. Phones. Did we mention phones?
3. They hide all your other stuff
You dream of a full day wearing not one but two slippers and knowing where the car keys and the TV remotes are.
4. They forget how to sleep
Babies’ sleep patterns are famously bad, and then they start sleeping through the night, and then they become toddlers, and they stop sleeping again just to mess with you.
5. They outgrow everything
From clothes to car seats.
6. They don’t miss a thing
Toddlers actually have X-ray eyes to detect biscuits hidden in the depths of a shopping bag.
7. They love to draw
On walls, on furniture, on clothes and on people. On anything apart from paper, in fact.
8. Their TV programmes are rubbish
And you have to watch them again and again and again. And again.
9. You can’t take them shopping
Unless you want a trolley full of unwanted sweets and a screaming tantrum in the checkout queue.
10. You can’t take them anywhere
Soft play doesn’t count.
11. They move faster than ninjas
Unless you’re running late for something, in which case they’re slower than glaciers.
12. They have no sense of danger
Toddlers are danger magnets, always finding the most lethal places and things around. We should hire them to clear minefields.
13. They can only talk a little bit
Just enough so that you know they want something, but not enough that you’ll guess what they mean before the tantrum kicks off.
14. They’re stronger than Schwarzenegger
Good luck getting him or her in the car seat without their co-operation. And watch those tiny fists. They can kill you with a single punch.
15. Their emissions are appalling
Babies’ poos are cute. Toddlers’ ones are like something a truck driver would do.
16. They go off like atom bombs
Toddlers are human Ferraris, capable of going from blissful calm to apocalyptic fury in fractions of a second.
17. They have the attention span of a gnat
A gnat that’s fallen face-first into a vat of Red Bull.
18. They don’t want to share
What’s theirs is theirs. What’s yours is also theirs.
19. They’re always crying
Even though they don’t know about mortgages, jobs, Donald Trump and the creeping inevitability of decrepitude and death. You’re the one who should be blubbing.
20. They grow up to be teenagers
And you’ll forget just how awful the terrible twos really were.